I don't know if I want a divorce, but I need clarity sooner rather than later.
I am giving myself 100 days from today to have made that decision, and this is intended as my journal towards that day, now defined as July 30, 2010.
Let's begin...
I'm no angel, I'm not looking for sympathy/advice or all of that - feel free to comment, I may or may not consider your comments. I need this out of me and I need anonymity and I need objectivity which I am not finding in myself. The journal has no historical order and things will be explained as relevant.
My situation right now. I'm a 31 year old woman, married for four years, I have a 1 and a half year old, son.
Day Zero:
I woke up today, the hurt/dread was still there - roughly a four out of ten. No whimpering, no tears - though there were some last night.
I had an affair at the end of last year which lasted all of three weeks, burnt white hot. This guy tried to take me for dinner for about two months, kept meeting him out, say hi and throw the card straight into the trash when I got home. Straight - no two thoughts about - like really now.
He is four years younger than me - now I know cougarism is hot right now - but really, was I there yet? I've known him for over seventeen years, our families were neighbors. I had no clue what had happened in his life and frankly I didn't care - but here he was, and it had to be that night.
Like every Catholic married woman you try to do the right thing because you should. So here I was in a club with my best friend and her girls, I'd had another mediocre row and they are all within a week, with my husband and he didn't like me going out with this particular girl - and HER husband let he go out as she wished. So my husband had said he was going out that night and it was about day three after the row so I asked him where he was, and the good wife piped up, oh I'm just round the corner -maybe we could meet for a quick drink and head home together. Immediately he said he's leaving. No surprise there. We were literally next to door to each other so I said I'd be there before he could finish his drink.
We drove in, sat down and ordered a drink. We could see the parking lot from where we stood and could also see him at the other end of the bar. He spotted us, left his drink, entered the car and left. I don't need to tell you what that felt like. One shot whisky. Something changes in his mind, he drives back in - his drink has not even been cleared, continues drinking it and sends me a text that me and my friends look pathetic - old women in the bar. No surprises again, second shot whisky and can I get a beer with that too?
At that precise moment, our young hunter (calling him YH from now on) shows up all bright-eyed and bushy tailed and absolutely refuses to leave the seat next to me. What the hell not, let's talk. Regular fun night, couple of laughs, nothing to write home about.
He would later tell me how that night was really sad how my husband and I were just a few feet away and not together. He couldn't understand that. It always sounds so bad when someone else breaks it down for you doesn't it?
YH now has extra info on me and finds me on..you guessed it..facebook - no comment about that.
He asks me out for dinner again, my husband was going out of town for work. Freedom woo hoo! No tension in the house - yay for me. After all, what could possibly happen. He know my status, didn't look available, wedding band check, mediocre fashion sense check, family history, check. I agreed.
Every-fucking-thing happened that night.
I laughed like I hadn't laughed before I was married. I looked into someone's eyes without having to answer the question you seem so sad. I smiled all through dinner. He looked at me like I was his world. Brown eyes, long lashes, slightly cross eyed. Told me stories about my past I couldn't even remember - about him trying to make me laugh because I liked to laugh, and he liked the sound of my laugh. Clearly I was too busy dating men like my husband the jock (calling him the Ogre from now on) to notice this crush. I got home that night and wished I could throw IT into the trash. I knew I was SCREWED. We went our separate ways that night.
Every-fucking-thing changed that night.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment