After being threatened by Ogre that I would get it rough, I made sure that on day 2 the house was full of anybody I could think of and had hoe down. Friday night - twas easy. Plied everyone with loads of booze - Ogre was pleasantly(?) surprised having taken the day off (that I'm not sure about because I went to the office and got back while he was still in his same house shorts and a tee) when guests started arriving and he was half dressed! Smalll victories - of course the larger victory was I couldn't get yelled at or worse when the house was full.
I think everybody had a good time - I woke up at eleven on day three, played some of our wedding songs, cried a little and went back to sleep. Don't know what THAT was supposed to achieve. Was I maybe hoping he would go back to being the sweet man I think I married? Actually what set off the tears is a picture of us on honeymoon in Paris tagged for our wedding album. Couldn't stop staring at it - it wrenched my heart - but I couldn't stop looking. So I cried. Day 2 ended like that - hungover, all cried out, alone. Progress on decision - none. Family Guy episodes watched - entire season 3.
Day Three was equally uneventful. Since I didn't sleep the previous night and tried to lose myself in family guy, baby woke up at a loose 6:30 a.m. Great. And boy was he in a talkative mood. Oh well..got up, fed him, changed him, put him in his play pen and tried to doze off - nothing..just fatigue.
Suddenly I remembered I was supposed to be meeting my brother and Mom for lunch that day - oh bugger. Ogre comes downstairs looking like he's ready for a fight...yawn...next. Ignore him and carry on watching telly. No words exchanged - he said hi to baby, slouched off.
Living with him feels *exactly* like it did when my brother was on drugs and it was just unbearable to be in the same house with him because you never knew what was coming your way. It's funny how when I left home and moved in with Ogre, I felt so safe and so happy and here I was - terrorized in my home again.
Took baby for a day out - slides, swings - felt good not to be in the house. Felt damn good.
Day Four:
Understand I can only blog from the office - the computer at home has a keylogger - so....yar, not an option using that machine....
I woke up feeling pretty damn fantastic. Since I am sleeping in the baby's room now - we had a bed in there with his cot, Ogre walked in around eleven and announced he was going out of town - this the conversation:
Ogre: I was going to let you find out on your own but I've just decided to tell you. I'm going out of town tomorrow.
Me: OK
Ogre exited stage left.
I cannot explain the joy - must be illegal to be this happy!! I had the house to myself - I didn't have to be scared of anybody when I got home!! Ahh - bliss. Return date was not announced - obviously will want to catch me off guard or whatever - whhhaaaatever!! ha ha ha!
And he left the key to the back door - which by the way has a chain on it like I'm some kind of dog..but how the fuck were we supposed to clean the balcony smart ass????
Meanwhile, having slept at 8:30 p.m., my eyes opened at 3:00 a.m. It was soo nice - that state between sleep and wakefulness, so cosy - so warm. Then I understood that I really didn't want to live with this person. I imagined myself in a house without him and I felt so great - not our house - it's rented he can stay there but I can rent my own place but it felt sooo good even just imagining it.
I read somewhere I should listen to my body if my mind makes no sense. Ogre = panic, no Ogre - relaxed. Sad but true.
So on day three:- I am happier when Ogre not around, I need to find a house. Now that bit fucking scared me - not sure if I can afford it? Telling myself to affirm with The Secret - Law of Attraction, you are exactly where you are meant to be at exactly that time and you have the unlimited resources of the universe. (Am I struggling to believe that?).Sigh...oh well, at the very least I have a couple of days free of the Ogre :-))
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