Day 1 - Is everybody right?

Woke up today feeling a little bit normal. If the more miserable confusion a woman has in her head the more radiant and beautiful she is, then I need to be on a runway somewhere because I got quite a number of compliments today.

Anywho, wasn't feeling too depressed. Last night after five tequilas and four beers I drunktexted YH and he called me stubborn. Ego takes another blow...playing me is not the easiest. Tough - in my mixed up logic, a part of me was still happy he replied - and yes, I know how twisted that is, Freud would use me as an example...etc etc have a field day with that one.

So my friends think I'm in an abusive controlling relationship and I need to get out. I seriously lack the guts to leave that house. I'm afraid I will be ashamed to be divorced, ashamed of myself and unable to provide the stability my son needs. But staying in this tension and shouting no doubt is rubbing off on him too. Sometimes he raises his voice really loud and I feel like that's what he thinks is normal . Shit.

My job can sustain me and him. When we initially discussed the separation, Ogre agreed to pay for the fees and upkeep. God what am I waiting for? Why is it so hard to leave??? There's nothing to hold on to but I'm still there. All three friends I've spoken to (at different times and they all know a different me) think he's going to end up hitting me.

Ogre is trying to control me - I'm not allowed to get home after nine p.m. and I usually leave work at about eight p.m.. He shouts and insults me at every turn (cuss words, stupid, whore, bitch etc etc). My family is not spared either - not to their face but mine. This curfew is a recent development  - like last Friday recent.

See, I love to go out and have a good time. I go out about three times a week (weekends included). He goes out too but gets home earlier than me - why? He's forty dammit. And been hard partying for twenty of those years, he's tired by eleven and goes home. I should mention in one evening, it rains a bottle of whisky with a scattering of beer. He stopped going out with me about four years ago because we had a fight once in a bar and he said he would never go anywhere with me again after that.

Fast forward four years and one kid later, I started going out with my friends again. He's still largely uninterested in going out with me. And at this point, Ogre = no fun time so anything I do with him is not a fun activity. The bedroom stories will come later - and yes, that included.

We went to a gay party, I was accused of flirting with a gay dude. The next weekend, his friends came over to our house for a party, he said I was flirting with his cousin. I went out last week, with my girlfriends and his female cousins. I got home about midnight. HUGE row in the morning - tells me I need to get home by nine o'clock from now and forever more, he is not taking my bullshit anymore, and I can either tow the line or else (and that's verbatim). I called him a forty-year old failure.So now he says there's no more us and that no man on earth would tolerate my behavior.Oh, I have a live in nanny for those of you wondering who was with my son.I have a full time job and so does he.

He's insulted me infront of our friends, calling me a whore and 'who-do-you-think-you-are', you're nothing without me - you get the drift. This happens at home, at their houses - and the ONE time we went out together in the spirit of working things out - a guy said hi and he said I disrespected him.

I'm going fucking nuts. I tried to make up to him this weekend, told him all this drama is unnecessary and that we still love each other, could we please move on?

I lied. I don't think I love this man anymore. I want to do right by my son and our families but it's getting too hard. I'm so afraid that if I do move out even on a trial separation, we will never get back together.
Goodness we're childish, but it looks like the cycle will never end. I'm so tired and stressed out for the last four months I'm just about ready to call it quits.

Can't leave, can't stay, what kind of fuckery is this?? Aarrrrggghhhhhh.


So, that's day one - no clarity, but a sense that everyone sees something different than I do, that I could be in deep shit if I don't make a move soon.

P.S. Not sure how many of you psychoanalysts who've got it all together - well, at least better than me can explain to me why I'm so fucking indecisive these days, can't make my mind up on anything let alone what font to use on this blog....and there's only six choices. Go figure. Deep down, this isn't my life is it? Could someone wake me up?