Day 8

The Ogre came home last Saturday - of course I took full advantage and blew curfew that Friday - bloody good time it was too. And things have been quiet since.

A friend from the office had suggested I go and see her psychic for a reading and so today was it. What did I think - the psychic was somewhat mediocre - some of the things she could've picked up from my history but that's me being cynical.

Hello - I'm fucking unhappy, my heart is in one place and ALL reason says it should be in another and I'm horrid at pretending so WHAT THE FUCK!!!! I want to feel at peace and she said I was making an emotional decision - are you telling me I've been emotional since January??!!!

So things didn't go as planned - nothing ever does. Who knew the effect YH was going to have on me? Who also knew the insults and absolute destruction of ego that were coming my way either? The psychic figures me and Ogre are a good match but that I am the second woman in his life. His past came back really colorful then she tells me I married a boring man and I have to deal with it.

She also said I would have neck problems in future, a child next year, most likely to be conceived after my son's second birthday, that within two and a half years I wouldn't need to work and hence would be back in school. Ogre's business would be successful and I should (of course) think about that. Got it spot on though about work but then again she did ask my title - said I was in a prestigious office but didn't necessarily get the pay I wanted. Right. I am better off yes and true, I do want more.

It's starting to look like the choices are misery, money and loveless or broke, happy (maybe) and still loveless. What say you? Looks like the previous to me. Is that anyway to live?

Either way, I see her again in a month. She did tell me to stop wearing my engagement ring though - the diamond had too much negative energy, to stay away from greys and blacks, and to stick with blues and reds as my colors. Said I eat too much when I wear greys and blacks. Is that an excuse to wear blue jeans all the time? hehehehehe...can do!

Unfortunately she still left me feeling clouded in my head - which she mentioned too that I like things black and white and right now I'm in a difficult place. She said she didn't see divorce in my cards, but didn't disagree with my idea of a separation.

Alls I can say is that the confusion is more.

Do I really care if my husband is waiting for me to move out so that a new woman can move in? No.

Do I care if YH loves me? Yes. But love doesn't put food on the table. My rose colored mind still niggles 'oh, he could get successful?' Stupid woman.

Am I incapable of creating my own wealth? No

Am I following in my mother's footsteps (here it comes - my folks separated when I was about thirteen so go figure)? I honestly don't know if I am following in her steps. Strike out and make it on your own hoping the father will support? Then the answer is Yes.

All this aside, yesterday he came home and asked if we could talk. Asked him what he wanted, he said he had no plan but he couldn't see how we could live together. I said I respect that and walked away. Mixed emotions about that. We said I could take a couple of months to find a place, then I could move.

So I will start house hunting. If he makes it in life and becomes a huge success - kudos to him and good for my son. If I carry on living, good for me.

And yeah, the psychic called me a self-destructor.

So at the end of Day 8, I'm sad that I had to wait for some stranger's opinion on my life to make an opinion of it. I hate it that I can't make a clear choice or maybe that in itself is a sign that there is no logical choice and I'm just being a drama queen. And I still feel horrible.